The Aftermath… Part 2.

So, here it is. Part 2. Do I really feel like I am ready to spill the beans? No. Because saying the words out loud is still hard. So I will type them to the blogging community hoping that at least getting all my feels out on “paper” and sharing with some outside viewers will help. Because frankly, sharing this with people I am close to just seems terrifying…

**BE AWARE I TALK ABOUT LADY ISSUES BELOW** so if you are sensitive to these, tune out now.

Scene: Sitting in the OBGYN’s office after getting blood drawn. Post describing symptoms for the past 8 weeks or so:

-Chronic constipation
-Chronic Fatigue
-Mood Swings
-Constant Bloating
-Missed period
-Period (most painful I can remember) when it WASN’T supposed to happen
-Mini period two weeks after a super painful period
-Odd discharge
-Trouble Losing Body Fat

These were the most prominent things I could describe for her. That couple with my body changing in these past few weeks post show…

-Energy Returning
-No more constipation
-No more bloating
-Metabolism is running normally and faster like it is supposed to
-No more odd discharge

The word that came out of the doctors mouth stunned me: miscarriage. 

No. No. NO. But slowly all the pieces fell into place as I continued describing everything. I broke down upon leaving… ran to my parent’s house. I was in no way fir to drive, my boyfriend was on a fire in Oregon so I didn’t want to burden him while he needed to be 100%, and dads are just a good person to turn to. He got me calm enough that I could make the 45min drive home. Upon getting home I did the only thing I could think to do – I printed a calendar, wrote in the dates of when everything happened… started… etc. I determined the only option was that I was somewhere between 7-8 weeks. I did some internet research on miscarriage, on some other things, and desperately tried to make the pieces fit together with some other answer. Stephie Poo got home. I then broke down in front of Stephie Poo. 

Keep in mind, I had been stressed and teary from fear of thyroid disease. Now, I am stressed and teary because not only did I miscarry, but I had to tell my boyfriend who would be coming home that weekend. He was there for me as much as he could be, but he was also SUPER sick and had an injury. BUt he was there enough that I feel like I can at least put the words on paper. I can’t tell you… anyone… even him… words do not describe how I feel for that man. 

Anyway, I digress. All the feels are still there. If you remember me mentioning I am a very PASSIONATE personality. Very devoted to what I love. And I feel things very strongly, but usually only one emotion at a time is prominent. I had SEVERAL emotions rushing… and still rushing… around in my head and my heart, all fighting to be first, and sorting through it all is taking time. I did not feel motivated to train or track food. I told me coach that. I finally feel good enough right now to go through the motions. I have some goals, but I need to find myself again in all this mess so if I have to fake it ’til I make it I will. Focusing on your fitness goals when you learn that your training most likely was a factor, if not THE factor, in what killed your baby… well that is something that for me personally is hard to reconcile. 

Now that I have put this all out there, I beg of you – please do not impose on me your ideas of how I should or should not feel about losing my baby – a baby that I would have loved and kept and raised with the best man I could hope for to father my children. And I feel a little lost. So please if you read this choose your comments wisely because right now I need ZERO negativity or opinions or thoughts that are “right” thrust upon me. I spent hours researching and asking questions trying to make the answers fit into some other explanation, but they just don’t and it breaks my heart. Overall that is the best way to describe it… if I had to put a generic stamp on my overall state, it would be broken hearted. And I don’t take this situation or the words I put onto this page lightly. 

I have thrown myself this week into my kids – my students – and find myself even more grateful than ever that I have a professional that truly gives me purpose because I have been latching onto that when I feel like I am going to fall apart. I have once again latched onto being the partner for my man that he needs me to be while he is away on a fire. I have once again latched onto being the friend I have ben neglecting to be the last few weeks. I am digging deep, or trying to, and getting up and will NOT let this keep me down but as much as I hurt and as confused as I am and as lost as I feel I know I will come back better and stronger in more ways than one. 

 

I <3 MY HOT SHOT

It’s true. I do. I love my hot shot. And while he may or may not be in fire forever, right now that is his passions and I fully intend to support him the way he has always supported me! 

Before you go and get any ideas, this is NOT a glamorous or easy role. Yes, he’s a firefighter, and that is SEXY as hell. Personally I think he’s the sexiest man I have ever had the opportunity to lay my eyes on! But I am biased 😉 and I digress. 

I remember before this fire season him telling me ‘we are gonna get into deep water.’ Was he ever right! It took me a few times of him coming home to truly get the hang of how to handle and adapt to his crazy lifestyle. Luckily, I am a teacher, so for a decent chunk of the weeks he works I have off. It’s harder during the part of fire season that overlaps the school year, but we make it work. A few things I have learned that I am grateful to have learned – and maybe this info will come in handy in other people’s relationships as well. 

1. Leave the drama at home. But really… just don’t start it, don’t deal with it, and don’t bring it into your man’s life. In Carl’s line of work things can get really bad really fast and the last thing he needs weighing on his mind is a stupid fight we had because I couldn’t just let it go. Granted, I normally do not have much to fuss over (he is very sweet and gives his all even when he’s out working) but STILL. What use is it yelling at him or berating over text message for some small insignificant thing? It’s not. i’d rather he just have hit wits about him – especially because he runs a chainsaw for a living. Yep, a chainsaw. I’d rather him come home in one piece than have the last word or final say about anything! Now this doesn’t mean I don’t stand my ground, but before the season started we really just worked and nurtured out relationship. I have learned to let go the silly things that really don’t make a difference in the end. I’d rather have a solid relationship than have the last word in a petty argument. The truth is, my man works hard, and deserves love and affection and support. He ives me the same things back. Will we have disagreements? Yes, we will. No one is perfect. but focusing on a bond of mutual respect and trust… DAMN. That is a match made to last. 

2. I don’t whine about how much I miss him. I don’t send him messages that say “i miss you babe I can’t wait to see you” or “when are you coming home” or “how many more days do you have left until you get r&r.” First… he usually doesn’t even know when he’s coming home. Example: on the 4th, he called me at 10am, said they had one day off, he had to be back at 4am the next day to leave for another fire. He didn’t even know he was getting a day off until that day! Ha! So, no use in expecting him to answer my questions. Also, he doesn’t need a whiny little girl who is desperate for his attentions at home. I am a grown as woman – I have my own friends, my own hobbies, my own life, and plenty o things to keep my occupied while he is gone. Of course I miss him… but he isn’t my WHOLE world so my world keeps going even when he’s gone. I’d rather focus on enjoying my life, and enjoying the days off he does get, and just get back to it. Because that’s life. What a concept. Instead, I send him pictures, jokes, updates, links to funny things I find, etc. I keep it light, I keep him involved, and i don’t bog him down with the emotional crap – although I have been known to send a drunken yet coherent profession of my love for him (which makes him chuckle the next morning – especially since these are things he already knows 😉 )

3. I don’t tell him what to do. He is going to fight fire whether I like it or not. It makes him happy – so he’s gonna do it. I can either get on board or get out of his life and I knew I wanted to be a part of his life so I made my peace with it so THERE. No ifs ands or buts. We don’t know what the next phase is, but right now he’s a wildland firefighter and he needs my support and love. Done. 

4. I appreciate the small things he does. To me it is a huge deal when he takes the time to text me good morning, good night, send me a picture, or call me when they are bedding down for the night, or just hold a conversation if they are traveling in the buggies. It’s all he can do so I appreciate every last ounce of effort he puts forth for me. I always have said that as long as you are giving it your all, I am happy. And sometimes the definition of what ‘all’ is changes as life goes on and situations evolve. So right now he gives his all and I am damn proud of him for stepping up and being such a good boyfriend. And I tell him I appreciate it and don’t take any of his efforts for granted and that makes him feel happy too. 

These are all things I am going to work to carry over into our relationship in the off-season. I feel that these are principals that every relationship could and SHOULD benefit from… 1) no drama 2) no whining 3) no bossing around 4) appreciation. Done. 

This may have not been the most eloquent of posts. This is mostly me just putting into words things I have been recognizing over the previous weeks so I hope you can take from it what you can 🙂

 

No service!

This is the first time this season Carl has been somewhere with no service… His mom hasn’t heard from him either!

While I knew these rolls would happen, I figured it would be harder.

Not what you were expecting me to say I’m sure…

It is only the first two days of this roll so we’ll see how I hold up. Until he is home I have faith.

Faith that he is safe.
Faith that he is working hard.
Faith that our relationship is strong.

He’s such a good man. There are few people I know who I apply that term to… Being a good man. I trust him in so many ways beyond his fidelity. And the only reason I point that out is because so many people think that trust only has to do with how faithful you are, but it is SO much more. I trust him to come home to me, to love only me, to be there when I need him, to forgive me when I make a mistake, to listen to me and laugh with me, and he has that same trust in me. I trust that even when he is in a grumpy mood that his love is as strong as ever and to not hold it against him- everybody has their days.

Faith and Trust.

Here’s to the 2014 fire season!

Bring it on 😉

12-ish Weeks Out

Alright! Here we go…

I am excited to get a new training plan next week.

Coach is pleased that I am starting to lean out, and this week the goal is to hold the 134lb range consistently through Sunday.

My booty is DEFINITELY going to be the last thing to go away… sadly, my teeny tiny A-cups were the first to go.

(Good thing Carl is an ass man!)

Some clothing issues I have been having…

1. My bras are either too big or too small. So, to the pasties it is! Let me tell you it is quite liberating.
2. My jeans fit my hips, but are tight on my ass and thighs. There could be worse things!
3. My tops are all just a TAD too loose… awkwardly so. Except in the arms. Those fit just a titch to snug.
4. My gym clothes are all to big. Period. I feel like I am drowning in them.

I guess there could be worse things 😛

 

Fire Season 2014… Lessons learned early on!

If you don’t know, my boyfriend is a hot shot firefighter (wildland firefighter). Let me give you the quick run down…

1. Seasonal work… roughly April through October
2. Works about 3 weeks on, may or may not have cell service where he is at. Or electricity, which means no charged phone.
3. Sleeps on the ground, hotels if they are lucky and depending on the assignment.
4. The areas where he goes can be extremely dangerous.
5. Gets 2 days off to be with friends and family.

This weekend Carl’s first R&R days occurred and luckily they landed when I had time off too! Biggest lesson learned? Enjoy the time you have. Don’t worry about the small details. He is here when he is here, and I want to love him and squeeze him as much as I can before he goes back.

For some reason I cried – a lot – which I wasn’t anticipating. I was fine when he left the first time, I didn’t cry while he was gone, but it all seemed to hit me once I saw him! I was in such a tizzy! There was so much to fit into so little time. Somehow, I landed this guy who is as understanding and as patient as they come. He didn’t make me feel bad for crying, instead he held me, calmed me, and helped me realize that he is here NOW so let’s make the most of it instead of stressing about when the time is going to be over.

Next time he has his days off, you bet I am just going to go with it. Which I said I would this time, but I wasn’t anticipating or expecting all the feels! And no use worrying about what did or didn’t get to happen or how things went this last weekend… Like I said, it was a lesson learned. And we will get better with time 🙂

Just a tip for those of you ladies, if you are dating a hot shot… be kind to him. They have long hours, hard work, and they need their wits about them when they are out on the job or it could make a dangerous situation even worse. Meaning, when that opportunity arises to talk to them on the phone? Don’t ream them with petty bullshit. Love them, hug them when they are home, support them, and make an effort to learn what is REALLY worth bringing up and what you can learn to let go. You know they wouldn’t risk getting their hearts broken over just anybody, so be kind to him and respect his choices as he respects yours.

That’s all ❤

Week 1 Day 4 and a Slightly Sassy Rant

You know what amazes me? The level of exhaustion that I physically feel sometimes, especially after putting my body through the ringer.

Last night, the only thing that happened at home (productively) was a MASSIVE cleaning session with Stephie Poo. Oh boy! Now our kitchen is spotless 🙂 Usually I clean the kitchen pretty well every other day (this body building habit creates a lot of dish pile up) but once in a while we do wait a few days, collectively, to get things taken care of. I really do think we should be on the commercial for Finish Jet Dry… We thought the dishwasher was broke. Nope, we just had crappy detergent. Who knew?

I did get ONE load of Carl’s laundry dry and ONE load of mine washed, and tonight I am so excited to clean my room and grill some food… I got some medallion steaks from Fry’s while waiting for Pearl to be done at the car wash and they look YUMMY. Mmm!

About 9pm last night I started to feel my leg workout from Tuesday. And do I ever feel it today – thank goodness today is a jean day at school. I ate a HUGE breakfast full of lots of good macros, had some coffee, and am now chugging water. I think the foam roller will be a must after today’s workout. Yoga did not happen last night either. I fell asleep on the couch around 10pm and was OUT like a light. Clearly my body was telling me I needed sleep more than I needed to do yoga.

Anyone else out there have hay fever? If you don’t know what hay fever is, you probably don’t have it… but in case you don’t it is the worst kind of allergy problem you could possibly have! Ugh! I refuse to take allergy medicine because of it’s affect on my voice and vocal chords, so I suffer through with an itchy nose. Staying hydrated helps with the drainage so I don’t cough or clear my throat but I can’t stand goopy eyes and sneezing every five seconds. Grr. I can’t WAIT until the 110 degree weather hits and kills everything that makes me sneeze.

This morning when I weighed myself (and I do every morning so I can see how my body reacts to certain foods/supplements/etc) I realized I have shot right back up! I am thinking maybe it is because the last few days I have been consciously drinking 96oz of water every day. Now, I attempted to be sincere about hydration prior to this, but I can’t tell you if before this week I was having more or less. This could merely be stored water weight that will drop back off in a couple days. Still, I frantically e-mailed Coach this morning going “OMG OMG OMG I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!” In truth, I have been very meticulous about my macros and consistent for a while so the fact that my body isn’t reacting the way it should is slightly alarming. Ok, now I can breath (whoa that was a long sentence). Anyway, I will keep you updated on what Coach says and how my weight progresses this week. Grr.

Plus side, today is my Friday! Since this week we have standardized testing, tomorrow we have the day off from school (called the April Testing Break) but we all know this day is given off to us since it is Good Friday. Hah. Take that political correctness!!! I am not one to be super religious or over zealous or anything like that but let’s be honest – the real reason tomorrow is off for all schools IS Good Friday, and everyone including Corporate America will be celebrating Easter this weekend. Even Stephie Poo has a half day at work! Hmm.

If you don’t celebrate Easter, and have some other celebration that has or will happen over the next week, I hope you thoroughly enjoy – or don’t enjoy if you aren’t doing a damn thing and that is OK too!

Also, I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the “somewhat sassy” in this post… I don’t think the coffee has kicked in yet 😛

TGIT

Carl <3

While I’m thinking about him, I really do need to take a minute and GUSH about the man in my life: Carl!!! 🙂

We met when I was 18-years-old, lost touch, and got back in touch when I moved back home after graduation.

Let me tell you something… He wins. He just does.

The respect, care, consideration, and effort he puts into his life and into us astounds me and makes me want to be the best version of me. He truly is a partner – in the sense that we have learned to recognize what the other needs, step up when we need to, and be for each other what we need when we need it. I feel truly blessed.

Right now he is at work – he is a hot shot – and he is camped out (has been and will be for a while) on the side of a nasty mountain, on the ground, and works all day outside trying to stop and contain a wildfire. How bad ass is that? Even so, he still takes care to text me when he can. Oh my goodness. My heart just melts thinking about him. ❤